I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
You were yelling in my ear let's double team her with her right next to us
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
Randomize
