God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
her teeth should be alot whiter from all of those blowjobs she gives
This guy behind me is answering all of her questions. I may give him a lapdance to take my next test for me
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
I'm happily sitting on the toilet cause I'm too tired to move. I'm considering making this my permanent residence. It has a lot to offer.
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
LOOK, I was 19, and I made a lot of choices with my crotch which I'm weirdly proud of
Yes dear.
Babe if there was a way to give a back rub and head at the same time that's what I would ask for my birthday, Christmas and of course right now. Please think about how and get back to me.
Randomize
