Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
the girl next to me in class is drawing a guy banging a chick doggy style...its very detailed
so id say it was a successful trip...i only got hit on by one cousin...
Nothing like a little anal leakage to start off Sunday morning. Can't decide if that speaks well of my weekend or not...
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
Just invented taco cereal.
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
I can give you five reasons its your baby
and I can give you 10 reasons it's not, but I'm busy so I'll just go with you have the wrong number. And also I'm a straight girl.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
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