Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
no, its his 'welcome back from rehab' party.
Yeah I'm about to go down a waterslide that comes out a 2nd story window. I love college.
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
Its not that it wasnt fun. Its just I got a tooth knocked out and that was my second time being arrested this year
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
I didn't know I was invited to an orgy.
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
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