dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
He dropped me off at 4 in the morning because I made fun of Pearl Jam..
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
You're wasting your dick. It needs to be bestowed upon the masses.
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
Randomize
