Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
So befoe we go on this mission how reliable are you for bailing peope out of jail
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
And to be fair, I think we all suspect that forbidden sex with an outlaw biker might be worth it.
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
She is getting high and watching the Hobbit. I want her life.
So she is basically watching her own life story: short people traveling to strange places.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
