Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
threw up in the library. i should be embarrassed, but i'm willing to bet that i'm one of the first so i'm kinda proud.
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
using the campers leftover pizza money at the bar. Definition of great counselors right here.
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
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