Can't talk. I'm at the Tulsa Sheriff's office with a bunch of rednecks. I bet I'm the only one that voted for Obama.
I bet you're the only one who could read the ballott.
yo im tryna cop a beej tonight
As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
i woke facing the corner with my computer and i had googled "how to put out a fire" i am so scared to turn around
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
PRINCE HARRY WAS AT WAL MART SO NEXT TIME YOU BITCH ABOUT GOING TO WAL MART REMEMBER THAT EVEN PRINCE HARRY GOES TO WAL MART.
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
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