Pish posh, there's never a bad time to eat food off my body.
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
Every single piece. I examined every single square inch of this peanut butter and jelly sandwich. and fell in love with every inch. that high.
Your penis has nothing to do with my throat infection, sorry...
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
She yelled "taste the gay rainbow" in a biker bar. She's either brave or fuckin stupid.
I explained to him that me turning straight is a once a year thing. And this boy just happens to be the chosen one.
Are you seriously getting this frustrated over a hand-job right now?
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
Randomize
