So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
wait can you just like go into detail with this penis touching thing? like was it a hand job or was it like a day at the petting zoo or something
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
Didn't think I'd be dancing with the Power Rangers but here I am
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
And he put his penis in my face and I back handed it away.
Randomize
