It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
Well he has a girlfriend. So I told him that I wanted to have sex way more than I wanted to be a decent human being.
Quick question. What's the protocol on going back to a bar after going home with one of their bartenders?
Go back and try to find another to go home with.
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
She was giving me head while we were in my tree house, my mom then came out to let the dog out so she stopped so I would stop groaning, was it good? You tell me
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
Fuck me first. Then we can craft and watch Terminator 2.
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
He makes me want to cheat on my other 3 boyfriends..
Randomize
