im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
It was so romantic--he turned me around to face the sunset during doggy-style over the couch back.
she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
already putting money aside for 4/20. you ready for the greatest tuesday ever?
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
Id like to submit an apology whenever you feel like talking.
Its not gonna be for awhile Im not a very forgiving person especially since you TOTALED MY FUCKING CAR.
We haven't had hot water in our dorm all weekend. Do you know if there is any other way to wash off shame?
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
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