How many times do you have to sleep with a guy before you get him to kiss you???
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
currently walking past a fire hyrdrant with a hose already attatched.. this could be dangerous..
Party priorities: alcohol > girls > music > cups > decorations
i promise ill be ok...btw im only considered "not ok" if i end up in the hospital.
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
I've just had two stress filled days in a row , I'm just going to shower and await your penis
You are the epitome of what awesome would taste like.
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
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