I got date raped at Sigma Chi last night!
Dude, you never made it to Chi last night. You fell into a tree and passed out.
True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
Just invented taco cereal.
Well there's nothing more unattractive them a naked, soft man crying
Oh good your over him
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
I'm fucking blazing boy. 5hr weed sauce kicked in and my entire face feels like an 8ball of gold bond flying down a mountain of Fresh powder. Just gliding.
I feel like I hate him but his dick too bomb to hate completely
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
Randomize
