theres a middle aged lesbian couple holding hands on the bus and a 17 or 18 year old christian girl visibly staring freaked out and audibly praying about it
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
"I could never have "feelings" for someone who, at one point, wanted to "hate fuck" my face."
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
I just want to have sex that doesn't end like a B-rated horror movie.
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
I might go bald with this hair pulling thing every night.
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
Cat needed to get out last night. Walking to the door was too much effort so I encouraged (pushed) him to leave via window.
Isn't your room on the second floor?
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
I hope that will b the last time i take off my pants in the chemistry building.
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