You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
i now know how you feel when you have to walk me home. she ran into a streetlight and into garbage.
i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
hey everyone... booty call? my house tonight. bring friends to fuck my friends.
yeah after seeing those pics of her puking into my underwear drawer i remembered again why i didn't want to invite her.
you didn't check your sock drawer yet did you
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
Good news.. I found out what I did Saturday night. Bad news... I found out what I did Saturday night.
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
Is Facebook telling the truth about your nipples?!
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
Randomize
