My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
One thing i hate about playoff baseball: George Lopez
he thought he was parachuting out of a plane... talk about a bad trip.
I'm pretty sure you can't just waltz into a walk in clinic and ask them to de-baby you.
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
The struggle bus has heated seats and stops at Dunkin on Friday mornings so I'll be okay.
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
I can’t tell if I have feelings for him or if my vagina does.
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
I BLEED THE BLOOD OF MY ANCESTORS WHO FOUGHT SO BRAVELY FOR MY FREEDOM
cool u want pads or tampons
tampons please
Randomize
