you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
I feel like if I were on Intervention, I would have to be a season finale.
and I was crying with the towel lady in the bathroom of the bar about the tragedy in Haiti. Then we hugged before I left and I gave her 10 dollars.
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
Thanks in advance for a great weekend. Sorry your roommates are going to hate you after I leave. They need to loosen up anyways.
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
she hacked my macbook and downloaded an illegal version of the original pokemon red, completely nude in my computer chair. there were several levels of hornyness existing all at once
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
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