A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
No, we have matured. We've stopped having sex in front if his room mate.
Let's just say a refrigerator got involved and after that I had to send him home.
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
if i hadn't ended our catfight by hugging you one of us might be dead right now
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
