my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
Be still, my beating vagina.
he's my ex-boyfriend's best friend... he tried to make out with me to prevent me from hitting his friend. then they almost fought about it.
teach me your ways.
I like to take my ritalin one pill at a time with each pill spaced out a couple minutes so I feel like I'm going super saiyan when they kick in.
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
It wasn't a great time! You grabbed me, picked me up, and make me pee in the sink!
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
Well I typed "penicillin a" into the search engine and before I could finish "penicillin and drinking" popped up. Google knows me too well.
I'm being hhit on by creepy guys please come one bought me a penis hat balloon animal save meeeee
Hitting up all my dealers for my birthday grams is paying off
Randomize
