i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
so the time management class we had to take for work seems to be working. I just beat off instead of waiting for gf to get home bc it fit my schedule better.
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
Listen all we did was not even pretend we aren’t each other’s type and live together and constantly encourage each other to get laid for 6 months.
Idk how it devolved into us fucking.
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
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