Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
what kind of one night stand wants to walk you home in the morning? whole diff kind of walk of shame.
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
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