how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
I need to stop coming to work sober
This boy just came into class wearing sperrys and a polo but also carrying a longboard. I'm unequivocably attracted to his level of doucheyness.
you tried to do a keg stand and ended up flipping over it and onto the table
if we break up, who will get the dealer?
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
Shits getting dirty between us in her dad's bedroom. I'm talking early millennium rap and r&b
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
Just took acid. Wish me luck.
I worked out twice today and you're dropping acid. My life sucks.
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
Randomize
