i cant get the smell of ass out of my nose
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
she got pretty angry when i tried to superglue her fingers together.
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
We had to leave. Dave knocked a dude out for saying yolo.
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
How bad is it I'm looking at his cock while waiting to see my therapist?
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
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