It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
In attempts to Not be THAT GIRL in front of my new crush I will only drink a 12 pack instead of my normal case.
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
Im just a social blackout drinker.
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
Doing a circuit workout and using a power hour playlist for my 1 minute timers. I am getting old. creative, but old.
Would 7 layered rainbow jello shots entice you?
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
I would definitely ride that dick into the sunset if nuggets are involved
Randomize
