Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
while i am personally glad that we met...i feel like for society as a whole it was a bad thing
You get 5 min
Your time limits don't scare me, I'll include foreplay and redressing in that 5 min. If you wanted to challenge me you should say you got an hour, id be scared then and more creative.
You'll pass into the great gay beyond
Where it rains cosmopolitans and scantily clad gogo dancers of all genders direct traffic
I am one with the molecules
Don't do anything I wouldn't do. Thankfully for you that list does not include male models.
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
Randomize
