When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
I wouldnt endorse that guy if he was walking in a walkathon to raise money for a disease i had
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
we ended up on her 9 year old brothers bed and he saw the whole thing.... now he will know how to use his equipment
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
That's actually a fantastic idea... The kinky sex dungeon will be vastly improved by the addition of a lightsaber
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
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