I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
I just banged two guys while dressed like an angel. I love this holiday.
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
Come over so we can hookup and eat tacos. Those are 2 things you can't possibly turn down.
i think she just faxed a picture of her vag from the office copy machine... i mean what kind of sexting is that... wait is that even legal???
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
He bought me shrimp and alcohol and referred to himself as daddy. I am in love.
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
you should just get a floor plan of your dorm and start checking off rooms.
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
Randomize
