We were so bored at work tonight that we were in dry storage taking turns pouring the boxed wine we use for cooking into each others' mouths. I think I'm starting to understand the "problem" aspect of "drinking problem."
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
I should just black out in my front yard again- that was a great nights sleep.
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
you just won the triple crown of sex! your prize is more sex.
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
Quick question: now that you've broken up, should I also delete the nudes your boyfriend sent me while you were together??
Randomize
