the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
this guy jus got head in a gas station bathroom from this fat chick with one leg
gross dude. was the guy blacked out drunk or something?
yeah and it only cost me 6 dollars
I wish all the girls i wanted to sleep with knew how big my dick was then id have a better chance
He just seriously used the word "skeet." Can we please find another way to get weed?
No. Take one for the team.
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
great, thanks for announcing that I gave you head over twitter
at least I said it was good
You insisted I take photos of you vomiting off the top of the tree.
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
After you punched me you ran away and it took an hour to find you... On the wrong floor... Sitting alone saying "it doesnt make sense"
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
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