Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
people will do anything to get on MTV. like get pregnant.
I feel like abortions should bother me more
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
Now would be a great time to stop wondering " Who let the dogs out" and go to sleep
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
I'm sitting in class drinking a forty out of a paper bag. No ones said anything yet. I think my professor is trying to ignore me. Better start yelling louder.
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
And now thanks to shrooms we all got a terrifying glimpse of what goes on in his head. I will not say I didn't see it coming when it turns out he made a suit out of people's skin
That freshman guy that keeps trying to hook up with me just saved someone's life ... Should I reconsider?
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
His dick is the size of my forearm. Would it be rude to ask to take a comparison photo after sex?
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
Randomize
