This kristen chick is fuckin nuts. She's pyscho. She's a trainwreck. She carries baggage. She's... Perfect.
why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
I've reached the slutty point of no return. And it feels like multiple orgasms and coke lines
So he ended up throwing a watermelon that he stole from the cafeteria saying "if i cant have it no one can" of the 5th floor.
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
But think about it. I could put her gold medal around my penis
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
Riddle me this: I can stream porn just fine but try and watch my college class and nooo it won't work
Be there in 4 minutes
He keeps singing a song about someone called the dayman.
....fighter of the Nightman?
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
Randomize
