Its like common courtesy of dating, the guy pays for the weed, just like dinner
Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
btw my roommates send a round of applause to you and that guy you tried to fuck on our wall. Additionally they hope he got it in.
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
I just want to know what horrible accidents of evolution allowed that tiny penis to exist
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
Whose the chick running for dorm president promising bigger dicks and softer toilet paper? That’s who I m voting for
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
