I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
Well the walls are thin and I can hear the couple next door having sex. I think their dog is somehow involved.
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
Occasionally I curse my inner 15 year old when I'm fulfilling their dreams as a slut, but I roll with it.
It's all fun and games until some random starts jerking it on the deck.
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
my dad just liked my status about my bowl being stolen even he feels my pain
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
you have 30 seconds to convince me not to grab this guy's crotch in front of his girlfriend
Randomize
