I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
he said no sex till date three. i said the party was one, mcdonalds two and that i would take him with me to buy cigs for date three.
stopped you just in time from sledding down the roof.
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
pesky things like morals, self-preservation and cowardice are not needed. overkill is nothing but a word. there will be blood.
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
Randomize
