that drag queen yelled at him and touched me to make him jealous and said things like this is what a real man feels like. it was a thrill.
this is a family affair. You're an embarrassment.
whatever it's not my family
My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
Last week in my political science paper I quoted the Mighty Ducks. This week, I compared the Constitution to a weird pickle law in Connecticut (by law, it's not a pickle unless it bounces). So, yeah, clearly I'm ready to be back to being a college student.
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
HE BEAT A GUY WITH NOTHING BUT RAZZLE DAZZLE AND HIS FABULOUSNESS
What am I thankful for..I figured out I can drink on antibiotics without getting sick thanks to the power of pot gummies
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
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