i don't remember her name, but i don't need it unless we decide to hook up again. but even then, i can get away with not knowing it for a while. it's not like we have actual conversations.
Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.
dude you guys. You can't throw up in the recycling bin. I don't think vomit is recyclable
We made the pizza boy do Jell-o shots with us. He didn't even deliver to our house, we just called him over from the neighbors
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
So wait. Let me get this straight lol... you... are are considering offering fetish services to "trample and own" someone for $80 in order to pay for someone to come organize ur shit? Pure genius.
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
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