Jerry, you need to find god
I just cut my nipple shaving
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
Randomize
