Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
about to play the homeward bound drinking game. alone. what are you doing tonight?
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
There's a guy in here whose face looks like it would be perfect between my legs.
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
At one point, he came in to give her a pep talk, and then after he left, she just kept whispering his name into the toilet between heaves.
She thinks I'm afraid I'm gonna get caught in one of my lies and some of the girls I'm fucking will find out about each other. But it would be a relief to offload a few from the old crop and work in a few newbies into the rotation. The organization could use some new blood.
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
Long story short I ended up getting choked out by a really hot guy in the girls bathroom at a bar last night
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
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