god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
its not you its me. and by that i mean i am more interested in having random one night stands with random hot girls then having the same normal sex with u.
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
Don't worry dude, I've created a sex logic bomb to stop that sort of thing.
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
Fucked a DJ on a jetski today... I love florriidaaa!
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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