Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
to do: lose virginity to hamster dance
Hooked up with my old baby sitter last night, so what do I do? As I was sucking her tits I decided it would be a good idea to say " goo goo gah gah"....it wasn't a good idea.
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
Two days later and my throat is still sore. That bong is a double edged sword.
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
Randomize
