He had on juicy sweatpants and thats when i knew he was no longer a threat.
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
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i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
Before I left he asked me if I could submit my panties for the frat house undergarment chandelier. I said yes
It was like stroking your vagina with a cloud.
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Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
Oh? I just remember dropping coins and trying to give the manager change to let me back into the bar.
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
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