I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
So you honestly dont remember putting honey in your bong? You kept talking about how you wanted to become a bee and fly
You're the only chick there. That's not an orgy, that's called a gang bang...
She just did a myspace photoshoot with her baby
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
That was like me applying to a law school drunk at 5 am
Hahaha. That's funny.
But I got an 18k dollar per year scholarship
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
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