Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
my mom just found my bong and asked what it was. I told her it was a hookah
and she bought it?!?
yeah...but her friends at work told her hookah was fun and now she wants to smoke it with me...im thinkin yes
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
I just got hard thinking about a crunch wrap. Im done
She fell down the stairs and hit her head on the concrete. Then she stood up, flashed us and stumbled away. I forgot to get her number..
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
Also, I saved your name as Everclear last night. No idea why I did that.
My life is a video game called get the drunk princess back to her castle, thank you to all that participated
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
Randomize
