I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
been sitting in chapter for 25 minutes. drinking last night's franzia out of a XXX vitamin water 10 bottle. recruitment chair has no idea. life is good.
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
He walked into the bar, took a deep sniff and said "this place is fertile and ready for my seed" then calmly walked to the service area
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
Randomize
