my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
Only in Alabama do they play hymns in a bar!!!
he said i look beautiful when i cum. i think i'm in love.
sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut!
i wish i could swallow nair and shit it out and it would get rid of all my ass hair.
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
I just googled if crying burns calories
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
I just got back to our room ....neither of us spent the night there but both our beds are occupied. send help.
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
Randomize
