Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
dude he was laying on two half-naked chicks, as they rubbed him down with lotion, while rolling a joint. hes like a modern-day african king
Just saw a girl duct tape a cigarette back together..I feel like my life is shambles for being present for this
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
Do you think it's illegal to drive without your pants on?
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
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