two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
I just got a drinking merit badge from a slutty girl scout
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
We already established this. No, he did not cum on the dog.
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
I fell asleep masterbating while watching family guy... This is what happens when girl's night gets canceled
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
Just bought a colored water bottle so my classmates can be so judgemental when I bring beer to class.
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
Randomize
