I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
So many tools at one table, you'd enjoy my italian family
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
He tried to stop traffic by waving his half eaten pizza at cars.... And we were stupid enough to cross .....??!!!
Definitely! I will do that this week. Right now, watching drag queens play with my dad's beard.
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
Grrr. Fine. You get oral for being unwrong.
Randomize
