I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
Because of no shave november, it's no boys december... pay back
thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
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I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
Jameson and I invented street rugby last night. Yeah
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
you know what? fuck you, fuck your nana, and ESPECIALLY FUCK THE BLACKHAWKS.
My first love was gay too, it's okay.
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
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