I'll just stay a virgin forever then
You still have to go anyway
Then I guess I'll have to start sleeping around
Why did you take off so early
No more beer. And also. Threesome. Maybe. Ill let you know.
The family from the blindsided came and talked to us last night. The dad owns 68 taco bells. You would have been so inspired
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
He said bow chicka bow wow. I never thought being sexually degraded would be such a turn on.
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
Randomize
