life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
If you had to guess, would you say that as a species, midgets are more or less flammable than humans?
Less. Duh. They have less combustible mass.
I attract so much trash. The guy that is engaged and kissed me is here so is his fiancé. I feel likeshw knows and will cut me in the bathroom might happen. If I'm not at the pool tomorrow she has blonde hair and is really flat.
Eric got herpes from Jo-ann
That's what he deserves for hooking up with a french canadian
mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
Ughh on my way to the bathroom now... literally just puked on myself and cleaned it off with a hot dog bun... I love tailgate
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
Oh yeah, found out i got it from my boyfriend's wife. Thanks though.
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
I had my first "Damn Kids/When I Was That Age" rant at work today. We need to drink this feeling out of me. NOW.
I want to fling myself into the sun
Liquor has joined the party. Aly just fucking yelled "I LOVE COOKING" and poured margarita mixer, ice and tequila into the blender.
Randomize
