I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
Also I got A jello shot for $2!!! It's like the forever 21 of bars
He gave me an orgasm with his left hand...and he's right handed. Of course he's a keeper.
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
I'm back in the dating scene now... Since the legality issue calmed down. And my stalking charges were dropped.
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
Only real friends lend their restraints to engagedfriends to fool around with married strangers.
Cum just came out of my nose. That is all.
Randomize
