first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
his dick got so hard in his pants and it broke his zipper
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
Just pooped at the strip club. NOT NORMAL . I may be a little too comfortable here.
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
Still dying that you shit outside
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
Randomize
