he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
I give out O-faces like they're halloween candy
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I went to grab his drink and my hand grazed his dick. It was magical.
I found a ladder. I don't know where I am. Gonna climb it. I feel like aladin
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
That accounts for only three of the penises
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
He's passed out. He nodded his head when I asked if he's alive though...so there's that
with great strapon comes great responsibility.
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
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