Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
It was the first time I had seen his penis when it wasnt hard. It just looked so vulnerable and a little bit depressed.
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
So I paid for the taxi using pennies and hair clips, no need to thank me.
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
So he says to my dad "I'll pull out of your daughter but I'm not going to apologize". Yea, my night was fun.
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
No I'm not high but I did cry for over an hour tonight because I realized that they never made a sequel to "Under the Tuscan Sun" with Diane Lane.
Randomize
