i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
dude, she masturbates with a ken doll.
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
We're not on Beacon Street anymore so now your argument about not peeing on the sidewalk holds no water. Whereas my bladder has holded every water.
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
If she wants experimental lesbian sex, i call dibs
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
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