Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
Something about Sunday night screams phone sex
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
We broke my graduation cords last night when we used them to tie each other up during sex last night
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
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