Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
operation harelip BJ is a go
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
you went to subway and got pissed when they refused to deep fry your sub
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
like every night i go out someone always suggests nipple hugs so that's why I always end up topless
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
he's such a nice guy...he deserves a bigger dick.
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
Randomize
